Your New Supreme Court Appointee (Not Merrick Garland) (SATIRE)

By: Rob Menon.

It’s been close to a year since Antonin Scalia passed away, and a someone was finally appointed to fill the empty seat. Obama appointed… excuse me, Donald Trump appointed Neil Gorsuch, a judge who serves on the Court of Appeals for the 10th Circuit. Since I’m a journalist I guess it’s my job to inform my lazy readers who don’t research themselves (you), so here’s some important things about Merrick Garland… excuse me again, Neil Gorsuch.

Qualifications? (Had to put this in after appointments like Betsy DeVos):

He went to Harvard Law School blah blah blah (he’s actually qualified).

Loves Hobby Lobby More than Your Average Old Lady:

I’m fairly certain that Neil Gorsuch loves Hobby Lobby. They provide him with all the materials he needs so he can finish his Antonin Scalia scrapbook (not that creepy). He has shown this love for Hobby Lobby back in 2013, when he and the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals voted in favor of Hobby Lobby (this would also go to the Supreme Court where they would vote 5-4 in favor of Hobby Lobby). The court case Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., determined that Hobby Lobby was not forced by the Affordable Care Act to provide women workers with contraceptives based on religious freedom.

Antonin Scalia Fanboy (I mean MAJOR Scalia Fanboy):

Neil Gorsuch loves Antonin Scalia as much as I love the movie “Titanic” (was great but could’ve used more explosions). This love caused him to be upset when finding out about Scalia’s death. He was actually halfway down a ski slope when someone called him to tell him about Scalia. He says that he couldn’t see where he was going because of the tears.* Besides finding out about the death of Antonin Scalia, what a fun day!

Gorsuch will be similar to Scalia if he is confirmed by the Senate, which is very likely. Both Gorsuch and Scalia are considered originalists, which means that they will interpret the language of the Constitution for its original meaning.

Other Important Things to Know About Neil Gorsuch:

  1. Isn’t Merrick Garland.

  2. Gorsuch is considered more conservative than Antonin Scalia but less conservative than Clarence Thomas (and less accused of sexual assault).

  3. Gorsuch is only 49 years old so expect to see him for a long time.

  4. He wrote a book called “The Future of Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia,” which calls for an end to assisted suicide (so boring that I wanted euthanasia).

  5. Likes to cry and ski at the same time.

  6. Currently getting Scalia’s robe resized.

  7. Looks like current host of “Dancing with the Stars,” Tom Bergeron (don’t judge my taste in TV).

Expect a hard battle from the Democrats to stop Neil Gorsuch from filling the empty seat. Since Republicans only have a 52 to 48 lead, Democrats will likely filibuster to prevent Gorsuch. This political battle will be very stressful for the Democrats and Republicans. I’m expecting Chuck Schumer to pick a fight with Mitch McConnell. I put my money on Schumer (he’s from New York City so I’m expecting him to pull a knife)!

*Don’t believe me? Read page 905.

*The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the various column authors on this Website do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the Royal News Staff or North Royalton High School.