Is Kellyanne Conway Saving America? Yes. (SATIRE)

By: Rob Menon.

I think we all need to give Kellyanne Conway a break. Chuck Todd was way out of line. Chuck, I suggest next time you have the most respected woman in America on your show, you avoid throwing all these “questions” at her. Who do you think you are? A reporter? Chuck, next time you try “reporting” I suggest you follow my lead. I have been a journalist for a newspaper. Not The Failing New York Times but The Royal News! Everyone is hating on Kellyanne Conway for defending Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer was just defending the size of the crowd at Trump’s inauguration. I believe it’s necessary for Spicer to defend Trump about size: it is the only thing that has been on Trump’s mind ever since Marco Rubio made fun of Trump’s hand size. They might be smaller than average, but Trump’s win was bigger than anything we’ve seen! Right, guys?

The reason Kellyanne Conway is under so much fire is because she said Sean Spicer’s claims were alternative facts. Todd claims that her facts were nothing more than “falsehoods.” Sorry, Todd, but alternative facts are actually facts. Conway said so and she’s always right (especially when she said that Trump was “unpresidential” back in April 2016 while working for Ted Cruz). What’s the big deal about alternative facts? Everyone should just listen to Spicer; he is trustworthy. If you don’t think so, then check the alternative facts.

So now that the most trustworthy administration is here to serve Russia, I mean America, it is time to stop disputing everything they say. So what if their fact checker makes a few mistakes every so often? Wanna know who else made some mistakes? Abe Lincoln. These alternative facts are the truth! I just spent a whole paragraph explaining to you why they are facts! If you keep disputing alternative facts then I’ll have to spend more time explaining why you’re wrong. That’s time I could spend reading Breitbart News.

I’m just going to ignore the skeptics and keep this article rolling. I love alternative facts! With these alternative facts, everything can be considered true! What’s wrong with that? These alternative facts Conway brought up now let me live in my own reality. I’m the sexiest man alive! Don’t believe me? Please check the alternative facts. Obama was born in Kenya. See, I just did it again!

Alternative facts are here to stay, and I can’t wait to see what Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway are going to cook up. Eight more years, that’s right eight, of the super duo capable of spewing facts. Isn’t that great? I think so, but all these nerds are upset with the whole alternative facts thing. Just sit back and relax. America isn’t on fire, only California.

*The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the various column authors on this Website do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the Royal News Staff or North Royalton High School.